I have been having a hard time trying to find words to explain what many of you will know is a huge departure from what is me. But that's the problem, what am I, and how do you become something tenable once you've been pigeonholed into something untenable? And why explain at all?
I've felt for a long time that people are ultimately defined in their worlds by their reflections in the eyes of others, the problem being that none of us ever actually sees what is actually in front of us. [nerd alert]: Retinal images are flipped and then reflipped for an image. Human sight is all Photoshopped.
I have been miserable with the distortion of my self for a very long time. Fortunately, I might have the possibility of ripping away my exterior and exposing something new and grubby. Human beings don't generally get to be butterflies. We don't get to leave behind our established shells and be something else.
The next two years will be a [cliche alert] journey for me, I hope. And I hope that in the mirror on the other side will be something braver, less lonely, less desperate, louder, sweeter, and ultimately liveable, something that could be a friend, wife, lover, mother, human. In the meantime, I hope the pictures I post here will document the next two years and will reflect something of the thing I hope to find.
Special note: If you don't understand why I'm doing this or HOW I can bring myself to, please simply trust in me and my belief. You don't know the reasons and they are too complicated and old and involve too many other people with other lives for me to even try to explain, but I would not be doing this if I didn't think it necessary. And no, I don't want to talk about it. I didn't arrive at this decision lightly.
J.
PS The name is from Spaceballs.
"Going to plaid": a desperate action to escape an intolerable fate, requires secret hyperjets, may lead to fuel shortages and salvation.
