learning

Learning is not working anymore for me.

I need to find out how universities started. People didn't always have the university system.

This is how I feel. I've just never been able to articulate it. I was going to take Chinese this semester. It's a critical language, an excellent career, a valuable skill. But you know what? I'm going to take ballet and cartooning and learn how to learn instead.

I don't have a lot of friends. I don't have a community. I don't even have a religion that I can believe in without doubt anymore. I don't trust anybody. And the future isn't happy-looking. The idea of having sex is abhorrent and I'd never trust anybody that much anyway. I can't have children because I can't teach them to be anything but freaks. And there's no point being upset about anything. And I can't actually say anything, because you have to let people think you're awesome or they'll know you're a freak.

But my room is nice and I'm cleaning actively. I want to do gymnastics. I actually want something. Which is better than it has been.

The problem with being young is you know something's wrong but you don't know what or how to say it and maybe nobody wants to know about it or cares. And maybe it's just pathetic to need somebody to. And then you get older and you know what's wrong, but you still can't do anything about it.

Right now, I draw and write and sing and dance. And SING. LOUD.

meat-less?

I've noticed that I don't really like meat anymore. Bread makes me bloaty too. I need to go back to my own cooking, probably.

I'm going to try oatmeal and fruit and tea for suhur for the next couple of days and something whole grainsy and veggie, maybe with fish for dinner. And ice cream.