New blog!

I've moved to Going to Plaid @ Wordpress and changed to a photoblog! Move on up with me. (Although it's more of a lateral move. There's nothing wrong with Blogspot.)

funky butt

It's a shame when your bed still smells gassy two hours after you got out of it. I've been eating tofu chili for dinner and oatmeal for breakfast and egg salad sandwiches for lunch. (I cooked!)

I guess I'm vegetarian now. I wasn't eating red meat before and now I can't bring myself to buy chicken because I read something about broiler cages. Those chickens don't sing. Chickens in the "wild" sing, or at least there's this call-and-response thing that they do. I don't want to eat sad chickens.

cold

I had to go out tonight, to return the sewing machine I rented. I wore a hoodie, parka, balaclava, fleece ear-headband-thingie, parka hood up and cinched around my face and ski gloves. I was toasty except for my legs, which are skinny and were inadequately protected in jeans. Jeans do not keep out the wind.

Wow

My hairdresser had a shooting at her shop.

Shooting at Sabine's Hallway

Considering how tiny the place is, it is amazing nobody died. They really are lucky to be alive.

Weirdness

It's a blessing, not a curse. It's the social equivalent of DNA crossover (not DNA crossover, but something like it). It's how societies get new ideas so they don't kill each other out, because systems that work necessarily can't update because "working" by definition means stability, which leads to stagnation.

Basically, in order for everyone to exist in harmony and not ?, you need somebody to come along once in a while who thinks differently, so differently that stability has to reform around that person's ideas. And unless somebody accepts that person, they are consumed by the force of the change they bring. But the change is necessary. The question is how to keep the change, but also save the weirdo. See Nikola Tesla, Jimi Hendrix, Joan of Arc, maybe Kurt Cobain. (I don't know enough about him to know if he fits the theory.)

The weirdo has to be destroyed though, because weirdness can't become the norm. They're just a cog. They can't be normal and they can't become normal. They reset the system and then they get destroyed, unless some nonweirdo or semi-weirdo picks them and anchors them to normalcy. See Bill Gates.

What happens when weirdos collide? What if Joan of Arc and Nikola Tesla had met? It's not an accident that they exist. And it's simple who they are. They're the ones who see things differently, who don't know what to be afraid of, who worry an idea until it resolves itself. They understand whatever they understand the way people who understand music know that a dissonant chord is supposed to resolve itself, except that they are the dissonance. They don't resonate with the rest of the world.

Change is bad for the current order of things. Weirdos and misfits cause change and so the current order resists them, but they "win" because the courage of their convictions carries them and because Allah doesn't allow you to have effective true courage of conviction unless you're meant to win. (Think about that more.) We get souls and consciences. We know who we are. Sometimes we get sidetracked but it's as much a part of us as our DNA. WE ARE WHO WE ARE. We can't ever really be anyone we're not, even if we make a detour into a wrong place, the system (ourselves) rights itself because that's what it does. That what it's designed to do. Polluted places fix themselves if you just let them.

There's no reason to ever be afraid, because no matter how bad this kink in the graph may be, the approximate area under the curve, the integral or the rate of change, the derivative, is where it's supposed to be. The world's dissonance and dissonance in your life, any dissonance resolves eventually, given the chance and weirdos are dissonance, to the current order of things.

And they get sacrificed unless they can find someone who understands them because they think so differently that the world needs them, but it doesn't want them. The people don't want them. They need an anchor, a tether to the rest of the world or they are in trouble. They're the universe's version of that one girl a group of girls picks on or ostracizes or whatever so that they'll have something in common and can stand to be around each other because they need to be around each other. Weirdos are the world's glue.

How much they change things just depends on how well they master their weirdness before it destroys them. See Opera, Sir Richard Branson, Bill Gates, Jimi Hendrix, maybe Kurt Cobain, maybe Janis Joplin.

And "How to train your dragon" is an amazing movie.

Also, the internet is not effective, because it's too big. Web 3.0 has to refocus down to a personal level. One on one, human to human, but connected, so there aren't so many people being left behind because the search for them returned 50,000,000 results.

Dear brain,
I was planning on sleeping tonight, but since you choose to schedule your own epiphanies, I'll just eat this ice cream and write manifestos instead. Whoopee.

Best ballet video ever

Cats are a little crazy.

I love how his tail is lashing, but he's still trying to get in the box.

Save water

Apparently this is not a joke. o.O

How to Save Water in the Morning on Howcast

Christopher Walken is hilarious.

Paparazzi - Lady Gaga



Paparazzi - Christopher Walken

Physics open mic

The cute guys and girls and scientist types (guys and girls) of Physics came out to play some guitar and sing some songs last night. It was, frankly, amazing. I put my head on the table so I could get the vibrations through it and thoroughly enjoyed myself.

Favorite Song: Death Cab for Cutie's Follow you into the Dark. It was a beautiful cover.

I'm supposed to play next time. :D

:D Battle-----

Did you mean battleship?

...

There's a point in Maxwell's This Woman's Work when you want to tell him "yes, your voice is amazing and soprano and it's a lovely song, but SHUT UP." This happens somewhere around the point where he mentions "my love child".

I'm not sure he does it in that version. The version I was listening to is on Grooveshark.

Vanilla Ice: Contractor?

Apparently he is: Vanilla Ice News

NY Daily News

This bears further investigation.

My shawl!

(Click to zoom.) and it's not mine anymore. Cause I gave it away. :)

Going to bed.

Now.

Resident Evil

still delivers. It's amazing. What is it, the 4th movie now? And yet it is still as watchable as ever, even with the need to leave room for a sequel, which they totally did.

The Experiment

I don't have an identity. Interests, yes, but they're widespread and not concrete. And I have huge baggage. I need to interact with the world as someone else for a while, because who I am doesn't want to interact with anybody.

So I'm going to create a number of characters from aspects of my personality and be them. They'll have elaborate backstories and names: "Call me Desi. It's my middle name."

First up: Desi - yoga-practicing, om-saying, spiritual crunchy granola vegan, poi-spinning hippie chick.
Yes, VEGAN.

Desi is going to see Alice Walker talk this weekend. Desi doesn't have an uptight bone in her body because she believes that the universe will even out all things or some such. (I haven't learned my Yogic philosophy yet.)

Activate!

Aliens

is an iconic movie because it's entirely character-driven. Ripley has no sexy clothes, no motorcycle, no flashy product-placed car, nothing. What drives the movie is the fact that she is a major badass. That and nothing else. It's really a feminist movie. The women in it (and the men too) are gritty and human. They're not beautiful. They don't resemble fashion models out for a career detour as marines. They look like marines. They sell the movie.

And it works.

Its cool. Also, apparently I have good taste in men. The character I liked isn't overwhelmingly cute to me anymore, but I can see why I was into him - 15 years ago. Not that it matters.

Fashionable

Yes: Spinal Cord Dress by D Squared

No: Goat Fur Skirt by Brazeau

You know what?

Fuck* Twilight and all the other "OMG!" couples on television. House and Cuddy win hands down, most awesome love story ever. She's mature and grown and knows what she wants and he's what (smart) women (who know what they want) want. I'm so looking forward to this season of the show, despite the inevitable cliffhanger feel of every episode as you wonder if she'll start to be like other women and take his s*** or if he'll continue to be himself and try to sabotage his own impending happiness.

So epic.

*Sorry Mom, that one needs to be left uncensored.

I called my mom

'cause I was still sick. She said "Do you have any vinegar?" I said "yeah", expecting some old wives' tale miracle cure. Then she said, "Put some in some water. It should have some kinda acid."

That's right along the lines of those people (like my granddad) who use motor oil as a medicine.

>.<

I love you, Mom. :D

I'm still sick

*Moan.*

I missed work today. Again. $^^##%# disease-mongers.

Aargh.

Vampire Knits

I'm barfing now.

It gets worse.

Paw Warmers??

Aargh.

It's been amazing outside

all weekend. And I'm sick. And stuck not going anywhere. *sigh* At least I went and sat on the porch. It's body temperature out there. I love it.

A turtle.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alligator_Snapping_Turtle

and stuff.

and turtles

I could end the conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan

with this gas. Both sides would be so demoralized they would just want to get home and hug a non-farty loved one.

back to it

I went home early today. It was 90 degrees out and I was getting chills. I'm trying to head it off with orange juice. The goal is to drink half a gallon between now and tomorrow before work.

I got a guitar practice in. I really think I can learn my chorus songs if I play my parts on guitar. It should be cool and fun to try. My left-hand fingers (fret fingers) feel like they've been sliced up the ends though, from the chords.

I found the coat I want for winter. Tis darling. Now I just need to pay people off and save up for it before it sells out.

and rectangles

Mixed bag

Chuck's back! Castle's back! Yay for trash television.

I exfoliated a little overzealously yesterday. I have pumice burns on my elbows. My elbows don't have black marks on them anymore though. I took a bath and when I got out, I was horribly itchy. I think I reacted to too much soap in the water (for bubbles). So instead of scratching the crap out of myself I pumiced.

My feet are always cold and when I put them in bathwater, they turn bright red and feel like they're about to boil, even though the water isn't hot.

Off to Home Depot. I have to get a heater. I went to Target already and got envelopes, among other things. Now I can mail stuff.

and circles

I like

squares.

Cold

Yesterday was the first cold day this year.

Getting s*** together

Insha'Allah, I'm sending people I owe money checks on Monday.

Despicable

http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/kitty-legwarmers

Music

2 things:

1. Have you ever seen anybody with an ipod bopping? I haven't.

2. Lady Gaga is not particularly pretty and has a weird (not bad, just deep and a little odd) singing voice. But she has attitude. Also, Alejandro sounds a LOT like Ace of Base's Don't Turn Around.

Note: The video for Alejandro is not for the faint of heart. (You know who you are. :) ) You've been warned.

End of the week.

Yay.

early morning

I woke up at 5:40 this morning. Now all I have to do is actually get up and start doing things when I wake up.

Victoria's Secret bras

I have a bra from VS. Yesterday I wore it because the single pair of black underwear I have was clean and I wanted to match. (TMI, I know. ;) ) Here's the thing about VS bras though:

1. They jack your breasts up, just like a car jack. Even the unpadded t-shirt bras do this. If you get a padded one, forget it, you'd better be very prepared to walk around with your chest mere inches from your hairline for the rest of the day.
2. They don't really support very well. Be prepared to MOVE. I like my bras solid, like my Enell, which is amazing and which I'm recommending for anybody, any size who does high-impact exercise. With a VS bra, don't even dream of running unless you don't mind crossing your arms over your chest before you get your hustle on. Even walking isn't all that pleasant. There's a reason VS models are pictured sprawled catlike on beds, couches, ottomans and the beach. When's the last time you saw a truly comfortable cat do anything more strenuous than yawn?
3. They are sexy. So, conclusion, if you got a man, wear VS, at night, in bed, whatever. But don't even believe their claims about all-day bras, yadda ya. Actually, come to think of it, they market entirely based on sexy. I may never have seen a VS ad that mentioned anything practical except for comfort and they are not uncomfortable. Wear an Enell in the daytime and VS at night. Perfect!

There's only one problem with Google Instant

It's not. I type faster than it "thinks". It's actually a little disconcerting, and kind of annoying. This is pretty much exactly it. Google Assault, ahahah.

Sept 11

was yesterday. I'm not really sorry I didn't go. I thought about it, a lot, but it would have meant spending money I don't have to go stand and watch stupid people protest. Protesting might be the single dumbest way that a human being can use his or her time. Both sides would have been better off bringing hammers and building some f****** houses for the homeless or something. Idiots. They should've all synchronized their watches to the Saudi clock before they started protesting. Why hasn't the U.S. press reported on this?

I'ma go work before I start getting pissed off again.

I would have liked to get pics for my sister. But honestly, I don't think she would have cared all that much.

Watch "America The Beautiful" on Netflix

America The Beautiful

It was surprisingly good. Watch it for the douche talking about his success with women (and wonder what stupid broads actually go for him) and watch it for Eve Ensler talking about the Kenyan woman. Watch it!

hrm

I wrote a program!

It's Ruby and it works.

http://github.com/leapApprentice/Ruby/blob/master/10khrs.rb

haha :D

Also, yesterday I started the Couch 2 5K - barefoot! (Somebody took my shoes and I didn't feel like waiting til I got new.) I was actually pretty good.

learning

Learning is not working anymore for me.

I need to find out how universities started. People didn't always have the university system.

This is how I feel. I've just never been able to articulate it. I was going to take Chinese this semester. It's a critical language, an excellent career, a valuable skill. But you know what? I'm going to take ballet and cartooning and learn how to learn instead.

I don't have a lot of friends. I don't have a community. I don't even have a religion that I can believe in without doubt anymore. I don't trust anybody. And the future isn't happy-looking. The idea of having sex is abhorrent and I'd never trust anybody that much anyway. I can't have children because I can't teach them to be anything but freaks. And there's no point being upset about anything. And I can't actually say anything, because you have to let people think you're awesome or they'll know you're a freak.

But my room is nice and I'm cleaning actively. I want to do gymnastics. I actually want something. Which is better than it has been.

The problem with being young is you know something's wrong but you don't know what or how to say it and maybe nobody wants to know about it or cares. And maybe it's just pathetic to need somebody to. And then you get older and you know what's wrong, but you still can't do anything about it.

Right now, I draw and write and sing and dance. And SING. LOUD.

meat-less?

I've noticed that I don't really like meat anymore. Bread makes me bloaty too. I need to go back to my own cooking, probably.

I'm going to try oatmeal and fruit and tea for suhur for the next couple of days and something whole grainsy and veggie, maybe with fish for dinner. And ice cream.

Done

Oh and

I love my pink hair. I can't wait til Wednesday. The locks are supposed to get finished. Right now, I have a bunch of locks and 8 little braids. (I braided the remaining sections to protect them.)

AND I HAVE A LOCK BUD1!!!!!!!11111!!! ALREADY!

WOOOT!

So Crazy It Could Work?

I have sort of a plan. It's a little insane. Maybe. It might be more than a little insane. Maybe.

It's also the only thing I've come up with that makes sense and is actually a plan and doesn't involve crying and being miserable and celibate. Well, it still involves celibacy, but maybe not permanently, which is better than anything else I've come up with.

And, yeah, this isn't vague at all. Not a bit!

And I need to learn to sew, and to focus, and patience. Not hard at all! Easy Peasy!

Always appear awesome

No one wants you for you. No one wants to know your truth or talk to you. The problem is you. Specifically, you expect too much. So, you are only what they want to see. That's it. You have no problems. You are beautiful. You are hot. You will let them think whatever they want. You are fulfilled by stupid, sad, miserable, unsatisfying, idiot encounters. Just lie. That's all there is too it.

And never forget the deal and f*** one of them. And never get the idea that you are anything special. And forget the idea of being valuable. You are not valuable. That's it.

Still f***ed and not willing to fix it.

So, if I want "friends", I'm pretty sure what I have to do is gain 80 lbs (at least) and stop washing. It's going to be a lonely road.

Back to work. :)

Me-ow!

PS I cornrowed my pink hair.  I loooove, looooove, looooove it.  LOOOOOVE.  Also, I made up my mind: I am not hanging out with anybody else (iA) because I heard something was going down and assumed they were going to just welcome people.  I'm pretty sure it is me, but I can't do that.  That gets me treated like sh*t.  So, I'm done with that.  You want me to hang out with you, you can extend me an explicit invitation. Or I can do other stuff. Yeah. Back to work for real, lots of writing to do today.

Same song, way too long.

I've been listening to this nonstop for a couple of days now:

Sunburn - Owl City

I love finding new music that I like. :)

Pink

is the color of my hair.  I don't know if I really like it, although I don't hate it.  I think I like it.  We'll see.  My sisterlocks are only half-finished.  Pink scalp exacerbates the plucked-chicken look.

Before we started the locks.  Note how pink my scalp is.  You can't see it here, but the baby hairs are still blond from the bleaching.

Fashion baby, fashion baby

I'm convinced the fashion world is just filled with people who really like messing with other people.  Vogue's Best Dressed for June 7, '10 Check number 2.  If an actual Muslim girl wore that, they'd be like "OMG! She looks so Muslim!"  But Rihanna wears it and they're like "OMG!  Best Dressed!"  D***s.

lifelong student

You know, it's highly likely that, given a choice, I'll be in school for the rest of my life. That'd be cool actually.

Blah.

I don't have any friends.  Even by Wikipedia's definition.  But then neither does 1 in every 4 people you see out on the street.  I'm going to stop talking.  I'm tired of being entertainment for people who are not my friends.  I'm going to draw instead and learn to dance and get my singing voice back, insha'Allah.

I have a ton of things to finish, and start, instead of talking, anyway.

And I love this video (warning: it's NSFW and kind of gross at points, censored though) but I love how insane she looks.  As in crazed.  :)

chills and a path

I read somewhere once that to find out what you want to do in life, what will fulfill you, you should think about things you could do until something makes you burst into tears.  I'm getting chills right now, although not crying, thankfully.

I'm changing my major to Chinese, insha'Allah.  You know there are 30 million Muslims in China?  And I'm so weird already there that my lack of beauty won't matter.  I'll just be a freak on all counts.  (That is not a bad thing, necessarily.)  And I might do a minor in CS.  And, you know, I just might not.  Chinese is a critical language.  This is a GOOD thing.  I could be a tech liaison for some company or university or something.  Maybe.  We'll see.

I'm taking 6 credits of Chinese next semester, insha'Allah.

And I have to make this online work thing work. I need the extra money.

resources:
http://www.islamichina.com/muslims/islaminchina.asp?id=14
http://www.cowinachinashop.com/?page_id=2
http://www.languages.umd.edu/chinese/undergraduate/index.html
http://vannoordadventures.blogspot.com/
http://web.me.com/hjgoodman/Our_stuff/Shanghaid/Shanghaid.html
http://www.expat-blog.com/en/destination/asia/china/

I

am amused that on Hulu the tag "nudity" is often accompanied by the tag "breasts".  You would think that the one implied the other.

Spoiler Alert

House gets the girl.  Finally.

I love that show.  I hope this doesn't mean it's not coming back.

I was amazed that they managed to make him even a better character than he was at first though.  Think about it, he's the perfect man: 

• smart
• artistic (musical)
• funny
• good-looking, but in a rugged, hypermasculine way
• rides a motorcycle
• definitely a bad boy, but with a deep, caring, good-person core
• f***ed up to the max (what, lots of women want to take care of somebody)
• definitely not a baby or a little boy
• hopelessly devoted to one woman (Could you see him cheating on Cutty? I can't.)
• got himself off the drugs and stopped wallowing in self-pity and pain
• did I mention smart?

Gregory House.  He's what women want.

Unused facebook status of the day

_ is like a zebraduck, too many of these, too few of those, and all put together very strangely.  Neither zebras nor ducks want a zebraduck.

You know what?

A guy in whose presence I feel comfortable being smart is sexier than all the rock-hard abs in the world.
A guy with rock-hard abs, who is taller than me (or the same height, that's also hot) and cute to me, and in whose presence I feel comfortable being smart, is Kryptonite.

A guy who wants me for my body (or my theoretical subservience or my theoretical childbearing ability or the fact that he feels old and I'm young relative to him (stop looking at my profiles all you 45-year olds, there are 40-year old women out there who want you) or some other thing I represent to him) and doesn't care about anything else is not worth a microsecond of my time.  NOT A MICROSECOND.  GRRRRRRRRR.

Obviously, I'm not getting much work done today.  Must change that.  Must focus.  FOCUS.  Hrrrrrgggghghhh.

Off to get s*** done. (Hi Mom).

omg

I just realized something.  Yesterday was the first day in maybe forever, I think in forever, that I've turned a funky mood into something productive.  I went to the store and I went shopping and got food so I can cook and be convalescent this weekend.  And I got tofu instead of chicken.  Chicken is expensive and I haven't had tofu in a while.  This whole vegan/vegetarian/pescetarian/some form of non-meat-eater thing might happen after all.  (And convalescent except for Saturday, because I am totally going to Yoga on the Mall, iA.)

That reminds me, I have to make my schedule for DC Yoga Week (14 classes is the goal)!:

Coming Soon!

Unity Woods, free, all levels
-Wed, May 19 - 5-6:15pm
-Fri, May 21 - 5-6pm

Tranquil Space, $5, all levels (on the go)
-Thur, May 20 - 5:30pm

Studio Serenity (full price - intro month for $50 special for May)
-community vibe, book club, movie night

Spiral Flight Yoga (best class they offer for my schedule)
-Fri, May 21, 7-8:30pm, Anusara-Inspired Yoga, all levels w/ Tara, free

SomaFit
Mon, May 17 - 5:30pm, Intro to Yoga, free
Tue, May 18, 7am, Awaken w/ Yoga, free
Thur, May 20, 7am, Yoga (Beg), free
Sat, May 22, 4pm, Intro to Yoga, free

Quiet Mind Yoga


Past Tense Studio
Mon, May 17 - 8:15pm, $5
Wed, May 19 - 5:30pm, $5
Fri, May 21 - 6:30pm, $5
Sat, May 22 - ?, free, Lamont Plaza

Flow Yoga Center
Wed, May 19 - 7-8am, Acro Yoga Asana w/ Vanessa King ($5) - fear of not being good enough/fear of touching people

Circle Yoga
-Thur, May 20 - 7:30-9pm, free intro to yoga w/ Sumana
-Tuesday, May 18 - 7:30-8:30pm, Qigong & Tai Chi w/ Jill D ($5)

Capitol Hill Yoga, free, Level 1 Yoga
-Sun, May 16 - 9-10:30am

Boundless Yoga, $5
-Sun, May 16 - 2:45pm (One Pose at a Time)

Bikram Yoga Tenleytown, free
-Sat, May 15 and Sat, May 22 - 4pm

Bikram Yoga Dupont Circle, free
M-F, 6:15am and 9:30am

Bikram Yoga Capitol Hill, free
- Fri, May 21 - 6am

Schedule:
Sat, May 15 -
Sat, May 15 - Yoga on the Mall, 1-5pm
Sun, May 16 - Capitol Hill Yoga, 9-10:30am
Sun, May 16 - Boundless Yoga, 2:45pm
Mon, May 17 -
Mon, May 17 -
Tues, May 18 -
Tues, May 18 -
Wed, May 19 - Flow Yoga Center, 7-8am
Wed, May 19 -
Thur, May 20 -
Thur, May 20 - Circle Yoga, 7:30-9pm
Fri, May 21 -
Fri, May 21 -
Sat, May 22 -
Sat, May 22 -
Sun - off day, relax, ice the ankle if needed (I hope not)

And my nose hurts.  I think I sunburned it.  I keep blowing it because it runs, I think because of allergies, and the blowing wipes off the sunblock.

Story READ!

My brother is an amazing writer.  He's been wanting me to finish his story for a while now and yesterday I emailed him and told him I would FINISH it last night.  And I did.

It's the first thing I've completed well and on deadline in a while.  It feels good.  I'm going to try to continue the trend, keep it going, all that jazz.

Next task: Finish Project Zombie.  And next, finish my website, or at least get it to where it looks decent and the bits I need are in place and migrate this blog.  And then, next up, add the bells and whistles.

I also have two letters to write and one book to finish today and another to start today.  Ooh, and I have food because I went shopping yesterday.

I saw a woman at the supermarket with really nice blond sisterlocks and she said the color makes them stiffer than when they're uncolored, but it doesn't make them horrible or mess them up and she had had her hair several different colors over a couple of years.  I feel very reassured.  I WANT PINK HAIR!  I cannot wait! Yeeeeeaaaah!

Time to get a move on.

I'm a bad invalid

I have to spend Friday, Saturday, and Sunday icing the dumb ankle.  I forgot yesterday that it was hurt and tried to jump up and touch the ceiling and hurt it again.  Then I walked a half-mile home and hurt it some more.  Whee.  On the positive side though, I'll have time to finish my video hopefully and get that project done with and sent off for approval.

Also, next week is DC Yoga Week.  My goal is to take 14 classes for $5 or free, one at each of the participating studios.  That's two classes per day.  We'll see if it works.  The ultimate goal of that is to find a studio that I can practice at for the next 2 months.  I'm going to try either 6 studios in one year, 2 months each, or 1 studio for one year.  We'll see!

Reminder

Stuff I have to finish (FINISH) in the next 2 weeks:

0. Websites (2, but if only the more important one gets done we'll call that success.)
1. Project Zombie
2. Reading and Editing Zain's Project
3. Writing out and copying M's Present.
4. Budgeting for the rest of the year
5. Coming up with some regular schedule for the rest of the year.

FINISH.
FINISHING IS SUCCESS.
FINISH.

I'm 29.  I was going to take my age off my facebook profile because people always think I'm much younger and then don't know how to react when they find out I'm not 19, but I didn't, cause if I do, it means it's not okay to be 29.  And I'm 29. :)  My niece is 29-29+5 days. :D

I'm getting my hair dyed too.  I have decided, iA.  If I'm going to be judged no matter what, and I am, I might as well be judged for something that makes me happy.  And waist-length pink locks would make me happy, I think.

Still f***ed

Well and Truly.


But, at least I know that journalism is NOT for me.  Memoir writing, first-person accounts of derring-do, sure, maybe. But telling other people's stories?  NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO etc....

I love my mom

"I have never seen anybody that naked."

My mom about Josephine Baker's willingness to take off her clothes. :D

I am F***ed

I'm not going to have friends.  Acquaintances, yes, but not friends, really.  I am going to be fundamentally alone, even in a crowd, for the rest of my life.  I am not going to have sex or have people who talk to me unless I am always the one starting the conversation and carrying the conversation and ending the conversation, which I'm not willing to be.

Everyone is either shy or has already filled their quota of people for whom they have time or I don't want to be friends with them or they don't want to be friends with me or, or, or, or.

And I'm either really ugly or really not ugly or I'm uglyish but I act like I think I'm not that ugly.  Or I'm ugly but I have a good body.  Or something.

The best I can do is create artificial situations where I can pretend I have friends and exist in denial.  That and be very busy and never get hungry or tired.

What did I do to deserve this?  Nobody deserves this.

I'm going to be an incredible punk musician.

Punk, or they sucked, but they were angry

You don't have to be talented or accomplished to be a musician.  More later.

nomad

I will refer to myself as Nomad.  Pay up my debts.  Get rid of everything that doesn't fit in a camper's rucksack and find what it is I need.  And find out what that is.  iA.

friends with me

Being friends with me is a lot like signing up for one of those Internet newsletters: There's a lot of communication involved, all of it one-sided unless you want otherwise, and you can always opt out.

liking

The difference between liking and love is the other person loving you back.

family

I love my family, but I need a break from them, not so much because of them, but because of the way being around them makes me.  They might feel the same way about me.

uncool

It's not cool to like "popular" music.  Apparently, if you do, it means that you are a sheep.  Nevermind if EVERYTHING else you do involves baaing and walking through the foot dip and following the other sheep around.  So, here goes: leaping into my own grave:  I LIKE Fallout Boy.  And Hillary Duff.  And Rammstein.  And a bunch of other bands.  It's interesting though, to me, anyway.  I don't really like everything from any one band, except maybe The Script and Hollywood Undead.  3OH!3 is also mostly good, if you don't mind explicitness, and sometimes I want explicitness.

bottle girls (explicit)

The more I learn about how the world really works, the less optimistic I am about everything.  In the unlikely event that someone I want actually ever wants me, he is going to have to work his ass off.  Because no fucking way am I wasting any love, any time, any effort, any emotion on some fucking shitbag who's just going to hurt me.  And who the fuck else is there?  Religious dudes are nonreligious dudes who lie.  Nonreligious dudes are fucking everything on wheels.  And I am not beautiful.  And even if I were, when do you get to beautiful enough?  Tiger Woods' wife is beautiful and he cheated on her, left and right, with skanky hos, half-hos, whatever.

http://nymag.com/news/features/65238/index.html

Musings

In Timeline, Lady Claire's brother is kind of hot, in a greasy way, especially when he kills the English dude "for France".  (Not the killing, just the way he says the line and the expression.)

And I like that she's not beautiful in an "omg" way, but in a different sort of way that's more capable and better.

brick (ow)

Slamming your face over and over into a brick wall is NOT success.
Slamming your face over and over into a brick wall is NOT success.
Slamming your face over and over into a brick wall is NOT success.
Slamming your face over and over into a brick wall is NOT success.
Slamming your face over and over into a brick wall is NOT success.
Slamming your face over and over into a brick wall is NOT success.
Slamming your face over and over into a brick wall is NOT success.
Slamming your face over and over into a brick wall is NOT success.
Slamming your face over and over into a brick wall is NOT success.
Slamming your face over and over into a brick wall is NOT success.
Slamming your face over and over into a brick wall is NOT success.


and just for fun,(She's a) Brick House

morning randomness and the jeans conundrum

I am jealous of my sister.

I think she's prettier than I am and I'm pretty sure most of the people I've spent the last 10 years trying to be friends with would have accepted her in a heartbeat.  That might just be me though.

But, I'm actually glad I'm jealous of her, because if I weren't and she had nothing going for her, I would be upset about it.  And I don't want to be her.  It's just annoying.


And on another tack: Where the heck do curvy people buy jeans?  My waist is a size smaller than the rest of me and I'm tall and I cannot find a pair of jeans that fits without a ridiculously huge gap in the waist.

Distracted Again

So we all know the Phantom Menace blew chunks and George Lucas is a huge douche for ripping off his diehard devoted fans like that (must I mention Jar Jar Binks?), but that moment in the last "new" "old" Star Wars "prequel" movie when Darth Vader takes his first sterile, artificial V A D E R breath.  That moment has power.  POWER!

And Yoda is pretty awesome too, even though I still prefer Frank Oz's Yoda.  It's hard to make Yoda not rock.

Midterm Melodrama

"Oh, no!", she gasped, eyes widening at the prospect of the precious papers not being on her person.  The hour-long journey home and back to retrieve them and return would cut into her last few desperate hours of study time.  Could she afford the wounds?  Could she limp into the lecture room and bust out an ace, despite the setback?

I've been studying for midterms.  Some moron scheduled them 2 days after Spring break ended.  Another moron (me) failed to study for them during the break.  I did have good reason though.  Alrighty, back to studying.

Also, I don't like my face sometimes.  And when I do it's in a sort of "bite me world, it's mine" kind of way.  There's nothing wrong with it.  It's an okay face, but sometimes I wish it were a bit prettier.  There's a lot of pretty out there.  And then sometimes it's enough that I like it.  If it were prettier, I'd have to question people's motives if they wanted to be around me.  As it is, I don't have to question anyone's motives.  *Sardonic hahaha*
Anyway, I have a good camera and a bathroom with a mirror, so I'm making myself take a picture of myself.  Every.  Day.  Yeah.  We'll see how this goes.

Back to studying.   Foooooocccuusss!

Illustration Friday from 2/19/10

I'm teaching myself to draw.  I was going to saying trying to teach myself, but as Yoda says, there is no try.  So, here's my entry for Illustration Friday, this drawing series.  This was for 2/19/10.  I'm proud of it.  It should be obvious what it is.  If not, drop a comment and I'll explain.  The topic was Propagate.

Added after the fact: I like somewhat that propagate made me immediately think of eggs and sperm.  I think I've taken way too many Biology classes in my life.

snow!

I went home and got snowed in with the family and then we had to shovel.  And shovel.  And so on.  For 6 hours on Sunday.  And I was glad to be there. :D

Snowflex!

Snowflex 2!

This looks like it should be on a website called Chicks with Snow Shovels. haha

mirror mirror on the wall

I really like self-portraits in random reflective surfaces.  I should take one in my mirror while I'm at my parents' house, especially since I might be here for a while.  (The world is covered in a thick layer of snow thanks to yesterday and today's storm.)

Waking up in front of the laptop.

Window!  I was waiting for the bus to get home before the snow got too bad.

Spike Lee!

He came to my university and gave a lecture and it was awesome.  I made myself not take notes and just listen instead.  And I asked him what my generation (African-Americans who aren't the ones doing everything first but still have to deal with racism) should do when we get discouraged.  He said he remembers his ancestors, how slavery was only two or three generations ago and how his grandmother lived in the Jim Crow south and made his education possible.  I'm glad I went, it was a great lecture.  And I have pics!:

Spike Lee!

He was very animated.

Look how many people!

Boots n Grains

My boots got here today!  They are AWEZOME!!!!!!  They need to break in too, and I can't wear socks with them.  I need some trouser socks (thin socks!).

And, this is what I had for dinner: quinoa and nuts.  It was pretty good, more of my "cook what you got and what's cheap" philosophy.  And quinoa is amazing if your stomach is jacked up, not moving freely, whatever euphemism you prefer.  ;D

retinal Photoshop

I have been having a hard time trying to find words to explain what many of you will know is a huge departure from what is me.  But that's the problem, what am I, and how do you become something tenable once you've been pigeonholed into something untenable?  And why explain at all?

I've felt for a long time that people are ultimately defined in their worlds by their reflections in the eyes of others, the problem being that none of us ever actually sees what is actually in front of us.  [nerd alert]: Retinal images are flipped and then reflipped for an image.  Human sight is all Photoshopped.

I have been miserable with the distortion of my self for a very long time.  Fortunately, I might have the possibility of ripping away my exterior and exposing something new and grubby.  Human beings don't generally get to be butterflies.  We don't get to leave behind our established shells and be something else.

The next two years will be a [cliche alert] journey for me, I hope.  And I hope that in the mirror on the other side will be something braver, less lonely, less desperate, louder, sweeter, and ultimately liveable, something that could be a friend, wife, lover, mother, human.  In the meantime, I hope the pictures I post here will document the next two years and will reflect something of the thing I hope to find.

Special note: If you don't understand why I'm doing this or HOW I can bring myself to, please simply trust in me and my belief.  You don't know the reasons and they are too complicated and old and involve too many other people with other lives for me to even try to explain, but I would not be doing this if I didn't think it necessary.  And no, I don't want to talk about it.  I didn't arrive at this decision lightly.
J.

PS The name is from Spaceballs.
"Going to plaid": a desperate action to escape an intolerable fate, requires secret hyperjets, may lead to fuel shortages and salvation.